Me and where i have been

bleh.
It has not been a fun place in my addled brain...
this will get a tad heavy, so be warned..

I do suffer from depression (currently held in check w/ cymbalta...) and ADD, which is not being treated at the moment due to BP issues, I am hoping to get back on those wonderful meds soon...since my BP is under control now..

My marriage has been in a rough patch for a good year now, that brought on alot of reflection on my part..and then the bottom fell out...
not that it is horrible here, I am just now coming to the realization of HOW HARD being married is...and in specific to my husband, god knows he is a good man, but he has as many issues as I do, as different as they are, they are just as serious..and our issues together do not make for much fun.
He is a very particular person, a neat freak some may say, and has NO clue how to dissipate stress, and it builds too much in him..and he lashes out in a way that is impossible for me to deal with..he goes on a neatness rampage, which for me is NOT good. the ADD In me makes me want to be a pack rat..I fight it, but it is a struggle...and thus you see the crux of my problem...

I have come to realize in the past few weeks that he is NEVER going to change and that is scary to me..and has led me to wonder if I CAN be here with him in all of this for the rest of my life...
hence the depression wheedling its way back in...
I am honestly not sure where this is all going to go..
I do know that I love him still, and don't want to be w/o him, but do I have what I need to have IN MYSELF to deal w/ it for 50 years..I don't know...
bleh.
I have to work thru it within ME before I can go to him with it...and that is hard....
and what is scarier, is that *I* am the steadying force in this house..ME, major depression DX'd, ADD addled me..(also ruled by my hormonesm once a month...)
I am the one who has to maintain a calm level head...and that my friends, is truly frightening...
and very difficult..

add into that my eldest son, who is struggling in school, and has finally been given an IEP for his reading comprehnsion...FINALLY after 3 rounds of testing over 5 years of school...that is a relief on one hand and on the other hand, it raises Mommy Guilt..could i Have done more for him, can I really get my ass on the ball, mommy guilt is ugly. Is it MY genetics that have led him here..is it MY failings that have led him here...and on & on...

SO that is where I have been, buried within the depths of my mind, for weeks..not fun I say not fun at all..

enough heavy shit for now...

adult ADD

yeah, when I say my 'ADD addled brain' I SO mean it..
I have been gtreated in the past for it w/ Adderall (sent from the GODS I say) and Ritalin (sent by someone who cares i.e. not as good as Adderall..but good)
SO today I was filling my pill box for the week, I added my cymbalta and then what I thought was my diuretic..then I took said pills for today...the diuretic tasted funny..so I look at the bottle and saw that it was my old RX for RITALIN (I stopped taking both Adderall and Ritalin b/c of my blood pressure..)
I am out of my diuretic and mistook my old Ritalin for it..
so this means 2 things..
1- I have to stop after work to get my script filled for the diuretic
2- I REALLY need to start taking something for my ADD again..I feel FANTABULOUS
my brain is working so much clearer and I am moving faster...
you never know how abnormal you are until you feel normal again..in my case, it is so painfully obvious...