Me and where i have been

bleh.
It has not been a fun place in my addled brain...
this will get a tad heavy, so be warned..

I do suffer from depression (currently held in check w/ cymbalta...) and ADD, which is not being treated at the moment due to BP issues, I am hoping to get back on those wonderful meds soon...since my BP is under control now..

My marriage has been in a rough patch for a good year now, that brought on alot of reflection on my part..and then the bottom fell out...
not that it is horrible here, I am just now coming to the realization of HOW HARD being married is...and in specific to my husband, god knows he is a good man, but he has as many issues as I do, as different as they are, they are just as serious..and our issues together do not make for much fun.
He is a very particular person, a neat freak some may say, and has NO clue how to dissipate stress, and it builds too much in him..and he lashes out in a way that is impossible for me to deal with..he goes on a neatness rampage, which for me is NOT good. the ADD In me makes me want to be a pack rat..I fight it, but it is a struggle...and thus you see the crux of my problem...

I have come to realize in the past few weeks that he is NEVER going to change and that is scary to me..and has led me to wonder if I CAN be here with him in all of this for the rest of my life...
hence the depression wheedling its way back in...
I am honestly not sure where this is all going to go..
I do know that I love him still, and don't want to be w/o him, but do I have what I need to have IN MYSELF to deal w/ it for 50 years..I don't know...
bleh.
I have to work thru it within ME before I can go to him with it...and that is hard....
and what is scarier, is that *I* am the steadying force in this house..ME, major depression DX'd, ADD addled me..(also ruled by my hormonesm once a month...)
I am the one who has to maintain a calm level head...and that my friends, is truly frightening...
and very difficult..

add into that my eldest son, who is struggling in school, and has finally been given an IEP for his reading comprehnsion...FINALLY after 3 rounds of testing over 5 years of school...that is a relief on one hand and on the other hand, it raises Mommy Guilt..could i Have done more for him, can I really get my ass on the ball, mommy guilt is ugly. Is it MY genetics that have led him here..is it MY failings that have led him here...and on & on...

SO that is where I have been, buried within the depths of my mind, for weeks..not fun I say not fun at all..

enough heavy shit for now...

What I realized in therapy

so I was in my weekly(!) therapy yesterday and as I am talking about my week, the subject rolled around to my families history of mental illness.
I realized that I have 4 relatives that have been hospitalized for MI..my mom's dad..an uncle, an aunt & a cousin....this does not include any stints in rehab, of which I have 3 more relatives who have done that.
THAT is frightening.
My mom's dad was schizophrenic....so was one of her uncles..
I mean I know that my family history is peppered with mental illness and addictions..on BOTH sides..but I never realized how bad it is..
It is SCARY.
I know I have a DX of Major Depression...it is a nasty nasty thing that is quite obviously genetic..I am currently medicated & am in a remission..thank god. I just never quite REALLY 'got' the scope of my genetic probability of having a mental illness...I think I never had a prayer to NOT have one.
I also have addictions running rampant in my family tree..
alcoholics on BOTH sides, bad.
Rehab bad & some who have QUIT drinking all together..we are talking 2 generations deep...
My mother broke the cycle w/ her & passed that onto my sister and I. Neither one of us have any inclination to be an alcoholic...thanks Mom.
I worry for my kids because Del's side of the family has addictions as well. I pray that Del & I have broken that cycle and that we can not pass on the behavior to the kids...I think we have.
I know we have stopped the cycle of dysfunction that we witnessed as children (my parents being divorced since I was 2, his being in a shitty marriage & dysfunctional grandparents marriages as well...we saw few healthy relationships in our lives..)

I wonder how abnormal my family tree is...anyone else have some loonies tucked back in the corners of their family tree???
heh.
I can say loonies, since I am one..
I am just glad I know it & I have the resources to keep my mind healthy!!
Depression is NASTY & I hope to GOD that if you have never had it, you never do.
Its like being in a black pit of despair.
I always likened it to being in a hole, just deep enough to be able to reach the edge, & when you do grab onto the edge, and try to hoist yourself out, the dirt under your hand crumbles..so you try again, and it crumbles..and that is what keeps happening no matter where you grab..so you can NEVER climb out..
simply put, it is HELL on earth.