the ways I hurt myself....

yes, I am a klutz....I have a LONG history of being this way.
one of my earliest memories is of falling down stairs and hurting my arm...I was prolly 3...at my step-grammas house and got to close to the edge of the stairs..I remember quite vividly my vision vibrating as I bounced down the stairs...and I ended up at the hospital w/ a sling...
another incident w/ stairs was when I was 10, and I was at a pool party and it was late...I went to get some food and as I walked down the stairs from the porch to eat, I slipped on the wet wood and fell, hurting my back in the process...ended up in the ER...I was fine tho...
I have a history of various accidents..riding my bike down the hill behind my house when I was 10 or 11..I hit a rock & went ass over tea-kettle and had a massive scrape on my knee for the start of school..
when I was 9 I got hit in the eyebrow area w/ a rock..bratty kid threw it at me...have the scar 24 yrs later to show for it...
various ankle sprains thru the years...and MRI on the knee from falling down stairs 4x in one month...
fractured a toe from stepping wrong off (wait for it...) stairs...
and the coup degras breaking my ankle on BOTH sides when I twisted my ankle and fell, putting all my weight on it..I ended up needing surgery and became the proudowner of a plate and six screws..

My latest fiasco involves falling down stairs, I was coming down to shut off a light, after I had been dozing in bed, and whenI stepped, the edge of the stair hit the arch of my foot, causing me to slip & bounce on my ass, down about half of the stairs...and in the process, my right arm hit every other stair, and I DISLOCATED my shoulder.
OW-fucking-CH.
I knew it was not right.
I could NOT Move it...you could feel the muscles bulging forward unnaturally..and the PAIN was excruciating...
this was at 11 PM..call the hubby, and off to the ER we go...got there about 12:30 or so...took till 3 AM to see the DR and no pain killers till then.
none.
but then I got Fentanyl...which ROCKED the house...and something else too..
and they reset my shoulder...it hurt like a MOFO..I said some CHOICE words (sorry mom & gramma...I sounded like a drunken sailor) and when the joint when back into place, it felt GOOD. like heaven must feel....
I am still sore, and in a sling for a few weeks...BUT everything is back where God intended it to be...heh..and the bestest thing?
I got PERCOET babey...yehaww...I heart percs...I have never had them before...and I like them!!!!!!

my weird skin issues

I have always had skin prone to itching and acne..I can't use cheap lotion..makes me break out..some perfumes make my skin burn for a while..make up has to be good quality..can only use certain skin cleansers and very few moisturizers..most glittery lotions or powders make me itch or get blotchy...and I get yeast infections from cheap body washes (TMI I know..but had to share..) & lets not even go into body acne..mainly my back..ick. it sucks. comes from my dads side of the family..

I recently started using 2.5% benzoyl peroxide gel from acne.org and it has been fantastic...has stopped the mildly cystic acne I had around my jaw line completely..I only get them once in a great while, if at all.

I have had an odd thing happen before a breakout twice in as many months..once on my chin and now on the nape of my neck, just where my hairline ends...so usualy when you get a nasty 'cyctic' type zit, you feel a bump under the skin & pain at the same time..well, these have been PAIN first, like you whacked it against something, THEN 3-4 days later the bumps show up..all in all it lasts about 7-10 days before it goes away...but I am mystified at the way it is starting..the pain first..then the cystic like acne..it is annoying and I have never had it happen to me before...I hope it is a fluke..will be mentioning it at my next Dr appt...

anyone else have this happen?
anyone have similar skin issues as I do??
I have to use Clinique make up to have NO breakouts at all..and wash my face EVERY NIGHT. talk about a PITA. oily skin kinda sucks..but then I have few wrinkles, so I will be OK w/ it :)

What I realized in therapy

so I was in my weekly(!) therapy yesterday and as I am talking about my week, the subject rolled around to my families history of mental illness.
I realized that I have 4 relatives that have been hospitalized for MI..my mom's dad..an uncle, an aunt & a cousin....this does not include any stints in rehab, of which I have 3 more relatives who have done that.
THAT is frightening.
My mom's dad was schizophrenic....so was one of her uncles..
I mean I know that my family history is peppered with mental illness and addictions..on BOTH sides..but I never realized how bad it is..
It is SCARY.
I know I have a DX of Major Depression...it is a nasty nasty thing that is quite obviously genetic..I am currently medicated & am in a remission..thank god. I just never quite REALLY 'got' the scope of my genetic probability of having a mental illness...I think I never had a prayer to NOT have one.
I also have addictions running rampant in my family tree..
alcoholics on BOTH sides, bad.
Rehab bad & some who have QUIT drinking all together..we are talking 2 generations deep...
My mother broke the cycle w/ her & passed that onto my sister and I. Neither one of us have any inclination to be an alcoholic...thanks Mom.
I worry for my kids because Del's side of the family has addictions as well. I pray that Del & I have broken that cycle and that we can not pass on the behavior to the kids...I think we have.
I know we have stopped the cycle of dysfunction that we witnessed as children (my parents being divorced since I was 2, his being in a shitty marriage & dysfunctional grandparents marriages as well...we saw few healthy relationships in our lives..)

I wonder how abnormal my family tree is...anyone else have some loonies tucked back in the corners of their family tree???
heh.
I can say loonies, since I am one..
I am just glad I know it & I have the resources to keep my mind healthy!!
Depression is NASTY & I hope to GOD that if you have never had it, you never do.
Its like being in a black pit of despair.
I always likened it to being in a hole, just deep enough to be able to reach the edge, & when you do grab onto the edge, and try to hoist yourself out, the dirt under your hand crumbles..so you try again, and it crumbles..and that is what keeps happening no matter where you grab..so you can NEVER climb out..
simply put, it is HELL on earth.

adult ADD

yeah, when I say my 'ADD addled brain' I SO mean it..
I have been gtreated in the past for it w/ Adderall (sent from the GODS I say) and Ritalin (sent by someone who cares i.e. not as good as Adderall..but good)
SO today I was filling my pill box for the week, I added my cymbalta and then what I thought was my diuretic..then I took said pills for today...the diuretic tasted funny..so I look at the bottle and saw that it was my old RX for RITALIN (I stopped taking both Adderall and Ritalin b/c of my blood pressure..)
I am out of my diuretic and mistook my old Ritalin for it..
so this means 2 things..
1- I have to stop after work to get my script filled for the diuretic
2- I REALLY need to start taking something for my ADD again..I feel FANTABULOUS
my brain is working so much clearer and I am moving faster...
you never know how abnormal you are until you feel normal again..in my case, it is so painfully obvious...

Well, F*ck me purple

OK, so let me say I am ALWAYS In need of health insurance..especially mental health..I am in WEEKLY therapy..I *need* it..my life was almost completely down the toilet before I realized this..
Second, I am also on meds for my mental health...have been for 6 years..and will be prolly for the rest of my life..just how it is for me..
Now, we ALL know how horrid the health care industry is to deal with..the cost is CRAZY to the nth degree. WELL, my husbands company has been trying desperately (as have been many others) to keep this cost down..and they have had to switch companies every year to keep the costs affordable..
WELL... this year the picked Aetna, which apparently my Dr does NOT accept..My Dr rocks the house..she is awesome and I am NOT going to switch. period.
SO, now I have decided that we are going to seek out our own health insurance..I am sick of switching and being at the mercy of whatever crappy insurance they pick up..
THIS is so not going to be fun. I have NO idea what to look for, how to choose..ugh..this sucks hairy donkey balls...so wish me luck..and please, send any information you may have this way ;) I am most assuredly going to need it!

did I stand on the scale wrong?

I am asking myself that very question..
why you ask? I have a history of having a difficult time losing weight..very difficult.
I like food (blush) and alot of it..I also like my 'free time' to lay around (read: play on the laptop..lol..) exercise bores me..lol...
well, in the last 18 months or so I have lost 26 lbs..TWENTY SIX.
that is very not like me...
now granted I have started working (since april) and have been on a diuretic for about 6 months..(for high BP..which I believe is weight related....)
so I am guessing a combination of those 2 factors has been instrumental in losing..
Part of me is thinking I stood on the scale wrong..coz I STILL feel all bloated and icky..but apparently not..I have been watching what I am eating too..more fresh foods, veggies..letting my stomachs cry for food go unheeded (heh)
I am STILL in the red zone BMI wise (39...w0w...better than in the 40's tho..)
for comparison here are 3 pics.
November 07




Jan/Feb 08 (before diruetic)

July 08